Searching for Care That Prioritized What Mattered Most
Tina Holmes shared that her husband, Gary, had seen multiple specialists over five years and received several different diagnoses for his neurodegenerative condition. The specialists could not agree on a diagnosis, and Gary’s symptoms continued to worsen with each passing month.
Gary and Tina felt that his specialists did not take the time to ask about their goals for care as they faced this life-altering situation. Instead, the physicians recommended treatments and interventions based primarily on the standard of care, without seeking meaningful input from Gary and Tina. They knew that the care being offered would not improve Gary’s quality of life.
During a first appointment with a new provider, the physician strongly encouraged Gary to undergo surgery to have a feeding tube placed. When Tina questioned the reasoning behind the intervention, particularly because Gary was still able to eat, the physician explained that Gary was strong and that the surgery would therefore be most successful.
Because Tina knew Gary’s wishes regarding feeding tubes, she firmly advocated for him.
“Gary had a bad experience with a family member who had a feeding tube placed after a massive stroke,” Tina said. “They kept her alive in a nursing home for 13 years. Gary knew that wasn’t what he wanted for himself.”
The frustration grew as providers continued to offer options focused on extending Gary’s life, without addressing how those interventions might affect his quality of life.
Finding Goal-Oriented Palliative Care for Patients and Caregivers
Tina realized that she and Gary needed care centered on his goals, values, and quality of life. After working in hospitals for many years, Tina founded Peaceful Decisions, a business that helps educate people about end-of-life planning. She reached out to professionals in her senior-care network and asked where she should turn for support.
“I asked them questions about the care we needed. If we needed to move in the direction of palliative or hospice care, who should we choose? One hundred percent of the people said, ‘Four Seasons,’ without hesitation. I have never doubted that decision. The care was exceptional.”
After one phone call and one visit, Gary began receiving care through Four Seasons Palliative Care.
“They listened to him and found out what was most important to him. It was wonderful support.
“For me, as the caregiver, it provided a safety net, someone I could talk to who understood the process and could help us avoid unnecessary trips to the doctor or hospital. I could ask the palliative care team about my concerns or about how Gary was doing. They were encouraging. They would say, ‘No, you’ve got this. You’re doing well. He’s eating, he’s engaged.’ That reassurance meant so much.”
When Gary woke up particularly weak or slipped and Tina had to help him up, the experience could be exhausting for both of them. Having the palliative care team available for guidance made it easier to know what to do.
“Sometimes I wasn’t sure whether I needed to take him to the emergency room. With palliative care, I could simply call and speak with a provider. Instead of waiting in an ER, undergoing a series of tests, and then being sent home, Four Seasons could send a nurse to check on him.”
Transitioning to Compassionate Hospice Care
Tina appreciated that the palliative care team recognized when hospice might become appropriate but never pressured the family.
“I think they realized we could have transitioned to hospice sooner, but there was never any push. Their message was, ‘We’re here when you’re ready.’ And when Gary was ready, the care and compassion from everyone on the hospice team amazed me.”
The team’s respect extended to every interaction.
“They were so respectful and wanted to make sure that I was okay. They would say, ‘I’m a hugger. May I give you a hug?’ I appreciated that because I’m a hugger too, but I also appreciated that they asked first. They understood that not everyone would feel the same way.”
Finding Joy through Music Therapy
Music therapy became a particularly meaningful part of Gary’s hospice experience. Gary had played in a blues band, and Tina was amazed that Four Seasons offered music therapy as part of its support.
“It was so impressive that the Four Seasons team took the time to learn about Gary and our family before visiting us. That was extraordinary.”
“We became close with the music therapist who visited us. She called me and said, ‘Give me two songs, and I’ll learn them.’ During one visit, she asked Gary to play with her. It was a challenge for him, but he played his harmonicas alongside her. It was a gift. I got to see Gary smile.”
Another special moment was made possible by a chair Tina found at the Four Seasons Hospice Home Store. The chair helped Gary sit comfortably and support his harmonica while playing.
“It was the perfect chair for him.”
Expert Care and Support for the Whole Family
“Four Seasons saw the whole picture, and I never had to worry about asking for what we needed. On Thursdays, we would get phone calls from the team saying, ‘We’re going into the weekend. What do you need?’
“I would mention something, and it would be here. I was surprised, but they knew what they were doing. They could anticipate what Gary needed.”
The holidays were particularly stressful for Tina and Gary, but they were reassured by the team’s quick response. When Gary experienced a medical issue, Tina called Four Seasons and asked to speak with a nurse.
“Ivy, our nurse, called me right back and was there within 15 minutes. The whole experience was such a surprise because whatever we needed, Four Seasons, was handled immediately. I never had to wait long.”
Tina also spoke highly of Judy, their certified nursing assistant.
“Judy took such great care of Gary. She made sure he was bathed and comfortable. The CNAs and the entire hospice team were so knowledgeable. They listened to me, and they had the expertise to guide us.”
The nursing staff also helped Tina understand what to expect as Gary’s condition changed.
“At one point, I thought, ‘He’s going to go any minute,’ and they would say, ‘We think we have a couple more weeks.’ That helped readjust my thinking because I was constantly on alert. They were holding my figurative hand through the process and guiding me every step of the way, including helping him receive medication so he could remain calm and comfortable.”
Preserving Dignity and Encouraging Joy
Tina especially valued the way Dr. Mike, Gary’s hospice physician, treated Gary with respect, attention, and dignity.
“Dr. Mike was calm and respectful toward Gary. He talked directly to Gary, not just to me. He would say, ‘Gary, whatever you need, we’re here for you.’ He spoke with him as a person and never discounted him.
“Everyone on the team respected and uplifted Gary so that he never felt ‘less than.’ They made him laugh. Judy made him laugh. Ivy made him laugh. When I would say, ‘Ivy’s here,’ he would get this big smile on his face.”
Tina’s Advice to Other Families: Don’t Wait to Call Hospice
Tina believes many families do not realize that inviting hospice care into their lives sooner can be a gift. Working with the palliative and hospice teams gave her and Gary space for joy, and, most importantly, peace of mind.
“Maybe because I worked in a hospital and had experience with end-of-life care, I feel it’s important to ask yourself, ‘What are we accomplishing by not getting this support?’
“You may think, I don’t want to give up.’ But you’re not giving up. You’re choosing peace and quality of life instead of struggling through a treatment or intervention that is making someone miserable and prolonging that suffering.”
If Tina could share one message with families considering hospice, it would not be to wait until the final days of life to ask for support.
“One easy step is to begin with palliative care and then allow yourself to receive all the support offered by the Four Seasons team.”
-Tina Holmes, Gary’s Wife
Are you in need of support? Four Seasons is here for you.
